Who Knows Best?

She was in the hospital
where I was born, but a different
floor. Different tiles,
where he first held me, the only
grandchild he was there
for at birth- and the last.
She was cruel, resting in the cocoon
of sympathy they had built her.
A fall, a tumor, I don't even know
the reason why she felt justified in her actions
they've always been wrong.
They've always tried to tear us apart.
Or so say the angry voices in the car
ride home.
But before that, the tears
the repression of words I needed to say
not to her. Never to her.
But to him, the comfort of beige leather
the smell of his sweaters
the army medallions and the untold stories.
All the words he's said to me and now I can't say one.
Can't tell him what he means to me, since he's not
the one on the bed
with veins spliced open.
I want to share my life with him,
but am forbidden.
It's her fault they say. It's her fault.
And that's probably true,
but as I run out into the hallway, lean against the cement
and let the tears clear out,
as he runs, as fast as he can, after me
holds me in his arms while I choke back sobs
trying to be the youthful one, trying to be strong
trying to tell him in the pressure of my fingers on his back
everything,
See who this is hurting?
See who this is hurting?

"Yes, see who she is hurting?" they scold him,
and we go home.

we were not the people that we turned out to be

so I’m on my second week of vegetarianism since watching that stupid peta video on goveg.com and taking the 30-day pledge and I don’t know what I really think about this… I miss meat but then I don’t and I’m still very grossed out by the video and skinny bitch and the thought of decomposing flesh within my intestines… ew… anyway so yeah I’m doing that but I’ve been eating kind of nastily as a result; it’s all about cinammon toast crunch and granola and frozen yogurt with piles of sprinkles… campus food, ah… but I swore off of sugar last month and I want to keep with that because I get these awful awful head aches and I feel like crap and my jeans are getting a little too tight and oh I really do hate talking about food so let’s digress:

pour l’ecole I have to analyze “The Ache of Marriage” and I have no idea how to do that because I am not married and I am not even close to being in love with a human and it’s very frustrating because I have all this love built up inside me but I’m spending it like foreign currency and I’m not really sure what the exchange rate is (for my time, for red wrapping paper, for movie tickets and sweaty skin, etc etc etc!)

let’s talk about me now (wow my mind is all over the place maybe because I just self-medicated and upped my dosage after going a week and a half without remembering to get my refill from the pharmacy oh uh oh)

I. I am half Filipino, isn’t that nifty! Really though I don’t think race exists… just cultures, sure, but we’re all really part of the human race [ah cliché cliché clichés leave me nowww]
II. Speaking on a fully objective basis [of course], I am not hot or pretty but I’ve got a shot at cute/quirky and maybe beautifulinthatweirdkindofway?
III. I’m planning on law school. I’m not sure why, I just sort of am. I plan a lot.
IV. This Valentine’s Day, I will not have been in a serious relationship for 2 years. [yes, my last serious relationship ended on vday. fuckdatshit.]
V. I have a scar on my wrist, it’s not from an attempted suicide it’s from this time in the 4th grade when I tried jamming an eraser back into a pencil and the pencil slipped and bam bam bam there was blood everywhere!!!
VI. I wear the same ring every day, a heart-shaped ruby with 2 little diamonds on the side. I set it on my bedside table every night before I go to sleep.
VII. I am 5’3” and have been for a while now, so I’m kind of giving up on “tall and lanky.”
VIII. My first concert was the Rolling Stones, with my papa.
IX. I’m trying so hard to be a Buddhist but I really do love my clutter too much. Help.
X. I like lying on my floor. A lot. I just lay down, look at the ceiling, listen to some music or the sounds of the girls on my hall screaming at each other and it’s really just awesome I would do it all day long if I could.

shooobydoowoppp.